therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
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Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?