Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
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New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
The funk soul brother
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen