Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
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I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities