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A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.