[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
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I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.