I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
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“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape