Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
You Might Also Like
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.