Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
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Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Canada has crack?
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.