Current forecast: 3-6 inches of π₯π₯π₯π₯
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When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Dentist: βAnd do you floss?β
Me: βYes!β
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: βNo you donβt.β
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights offβ¦
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didnβt have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? Iβm a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
I canβt believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, βif you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.β
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Jesus: I donβt wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
My first child will be named New Folder.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you canβt eat
me: airplanes
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…