Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
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Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like