[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
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He said it鈥檚 canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
I enjoy a good breeze. It鈥檚 worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That鈥檚 ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I鈥檓 like right here.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Before & after 馃槄
Marriage 30s: He doesn鈥檛 know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.