My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
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BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.