“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
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Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna