Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
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shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.