Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
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I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?