*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
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When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Sign of the day..
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
You can’t rush stupid.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
me opening up to someone
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.