[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
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HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Nice try, NASA
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”