Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
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cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.