her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
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Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
I need better friends
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
me before I type out affect or effect
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”