Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
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I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
no one ever comes back
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.