If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
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I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead