DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
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UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Why am I like this?
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Cardio Made Easy
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Never forget.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.