[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
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*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.