That’s incredible! 馃憣
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Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you鈥檝e known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I鈥檝e been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he鈥檇 do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
HR: I鈥檓 afraid that鈥檚 not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Netflix and scream at our children?!
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn鈥檛 answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn鈥檛 be feeding them this crap
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy鈥檚 flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.