I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
You Might Also Like
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..