It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
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[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed