Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
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you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
oh you like architecture? name three walls
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?