Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
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I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.