I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
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Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”