There’s never enough good news
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Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
When I snag the last meatball.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out