Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
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*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
accurate
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.