guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
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*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
incredible
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
calling in to work dehydrated
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades