My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
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For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”