Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
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Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
okay run it by me one more time
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police