It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
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Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
WHY would you be happy about this?
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage