HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
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My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …