I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
You Might Also Like
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school