[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
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Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
My patience has stretch marks.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.