*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
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Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
who did the taste test?
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Can’t. Being lazy.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.