“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
You Might Also Like
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”