Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
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We decided to have money instead of children.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order