Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
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My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape