When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
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[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Well, this certainly took a turn
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Hmmmmm
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
@funTweeters
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
This is my emotional support online shopping cart