I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
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Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
pictures of spider-man
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you