Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
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The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
the short answer to this question
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.