“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
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If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Nose
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body