I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
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My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less