Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
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Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Florida man
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.