I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
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3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.