Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
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I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.